Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
