So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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