And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
