I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
