Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
