dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
