first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
