i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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