i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Panties = found
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
