Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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