Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
