I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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