In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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