At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize