I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
