We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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