I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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