Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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