I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
