Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
