I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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