he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
