My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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