Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
