I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
