shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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