Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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