Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
