My liver just broke up with me...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
