Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
