Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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