A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
