Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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