is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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