just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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