I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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