My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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