You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
