So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
