xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
