I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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