so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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