you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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