loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
