end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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