Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Randomize
