your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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