Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
