i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
porn star boner night. come get it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
