Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
