If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
