There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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