i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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