my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
