Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
