Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
