Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
