she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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