Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
