So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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