I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize