This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
