I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
