I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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